Tides

Fuck this, I'm really sad today. I haven't done any work. I've been watching 24 all day long. I've been trying to get in contact with someone I really want to talk to but he's busy 'chilling' in his own world. I'm such a saddo when I'm left to my own devices. I hate being alone, left by myself to think. Once in a while is good, time to clear your mind, but this last year I actually led myself to believe that that was who I was, that was who I needed to be to succeed. I convinced myself that people are expendable and that we need to focus on ourselves to truly be happy. But I find myself slowly losing grip of reality the more time I spend alone. I've been like this so long that I actually began 'dread' the thought of having to allocate time to people because I thought that it'd be time inefficiently spent. But the truth is, the moment I come into contact with anyone, the time passes so quickly because I'm having fun, I'm being me in my element, I'm communicating, speaking listening laughing learning.

This week I met up with some people I truly care about, and each one of them has made me smile. They reminded me that there are people who care for my company, people who would actually make the effort to make me smile. Just because they wanted to.
Thank you.

You reminded me that I've been left on my own for too long. (and the exams sure as hell aren't helping the situation)

I want to be free. I want to let go. I want to move on. Beyond Skin.
I want to find myself.
I want to find that special place.
I want to find that one thing that just makes me smile....(currently, we've decided it's a
double JD coke...and that sure as hell can'tbe a good thing)

Hmm...What the hell is it that I actually want?
1. To be happy
2. To be loved
3. Attention
4. Affection, and loads of it.
5. To be challenged
6. To be comfortable
7. To be excited
8. To be educated
9. To listen and learn
10. To discuss
11. To be treated like the most important thing in the world
12. To be a partner
13. To be a babygirl
14. To be wise
...
15. To be understood by those that matter.

I need to figure out what I want, before I expect other people to show me what I want. This is not a Vickrey Auction, this is Life.

Also, I've just had an epiphany.
You know how women are expected to know how to raise kids when they grow up, without any prior training etc etc. Well we all do have prior training. We have boyfriends. That's when the maternal instinct starts to kick in. Together with the moments of joy, we learn to deal with disappointment, rebellion, coddling, the whole caboodle. Kids i tell you, the whole lot of them.

I'm still really sad. It's one of those lonely days where you want to be with someone who makes you feel safe and warm. But he's not there. He doesn't even know.