Rant

Omg what the hell is wrong with me or Uni or my brain or what I DON'T know. I'm so disappointed in myself and the system and just everything in general.

Basically, I am incapable of doing well in exams. I can't write a goddamn decent essay. I can't do a math problem. Nothing. And all this ON TOP of spending hours in the library and countless nights in my room. I don't get it. I've given it my all. Ive really tried hard to understand the material, memorise it even, know it inside out. And I KNOW that I know it. But why can't I seem to get that across on paper. Why can't I seem to prove it to anyone but myself. It's so frustrating. I don't understand why it just doens't go in my favour, why it has to be so tough.
I mean, what is the point of putting in so much effort when the rewards seem so bleak, and the chances of doing well are so slim. I'd much rather mess about and say oh shit, i couldv'e done better if I studied (false hope that i'm actually capable) rather than trying my darndest and ending up with some measly grade (proof that i'm Not capable).
haiyah, but i guess the one consolation is that I have tried my best this year, and no one can take that away from me. Everything happens for a reason. Even if i have been studying the wrong way, or haven't mastered the art of utilising my God Given Potential, at least I think I've done the best I can with the means which I am aware of. We all get what we deserve.

This won't be the end of the world, maybe it'll open my eyes to other paths. Maybe it's trying to tell me that this isnt' my calling and I should expand my horizons and try to figure out what it is.
I don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know if I'll do well for a paper or not. I don't know what I'm meant to know and when i'm meant to apply it. I don'tknow what will happen if I stop bothering. I don't know if i'll still have my job. I don't know if i'll be able to deal with my results. I have expectations of myself, and more often than not I meet them, but this year it just seems so impossible.
I thought I was going to rape these papers. Instead they pulled out a gun in self defense and shot me square in the forehead, twice.

So much for hardwork being rewarded.

Maybe it's Karma.